I wish I could say that I was all about the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) program. I wish I could say that I go to meetings every day or week. I wish I could say that I was a "A" student and read the Big Book, called my sponsor, and do the 12 steps. I sooooo can't. I am definitely failing at recovery if I judged myself by AA standards but, thank god, I am not.
Don't get me wrong. I actually LOVE AA. It was crucial at the time I got sober. I couldn't have gotten sober if I hadn't gone to meetings and been active in AA at the beginning. Their support was crucial to stopping drinking. At the beginning I just wanted to stop drinking, and I didn't know how to stop.
I didn't know how to stop my brain from wanting to have a drink all the time. I wanted to stop the craving. My Brain thought about drinking all the time. I obsessed about it. Secretively of course. No one knew I was thinking about it. No one knew I was thinking about the next time I could drink, the next time I could go out to the bar, the next time I could find a baby sitter, the next time I could get to the store to get a pint. I put alcohol into my other beverages so people wouldn't know I was drinking. So I thought about what should I put the alcohol in, what would be the best drink so no one else would want a sip? Should I put it into a pop bottle, or a juice bottle, or my coffee?
I didn't want to do anything that didn't have a way to drink during it. For example I didn't want to go to a movie because no drinking, didn't want to eat at a cafe or restaurant that didn't have booze; not even Hooters because they only serve wine and that is bullcrap, not the good stuff. I hated shopping for many reasons- it took money away from drinking and took time away from drinking. Now, I could attempt to justify drinking doing almost anything. For example "normal drinkers" of course drink when they camp, fish, bowl, eat, watch a movie at home, watch any sports, play cards, make dinner, after dinner, after work, when their kids are being good or bad, to celebrate, to mourn, because they are happy, sad, mad......every or any occasion was a reason to have a drink and in most cases many drinks.
I wanted this to stop and after it being that way for so long I needed help retraining my brain. And trust me I needed as much help as I could get. AA helped. Really, really helped. I navigated my way to sobriety slowly.....
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
When I got clean I wasn’t doing it for myself, not completely anyway. Wasn’t quite sure why I was. For a combination of reasons really; my parents, for my daughter, for my partner. But it broke down to fact that I was so entirely miserable. Not happy with my life, who I was, was becoming. I knew that something had to change. I was sick of looking around and knowing that I wasn’t living the life I wanted to. I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin. Like who I was, not feel the need to always defend who I was, be proud of who I was.
Sometimes I looked around and saw people I wanted to be like, or more like anyway. Someone who was creative, caring, kind, compassionate and respectful to others, recycled, giving, considerate, lived simply and without regrets, traveled, content with their life- without wanting more, have a garden.....the list is at time endless. But the fact is they are all things I wanted to be like and I wasn’t. Not to my fullest. I was always living “a little” and not my best. Now I feel like I am. I am. I’m beginning to like who I am today. Today I like who I am.
I have come to want to be clean for myself. I want to be better to my body and self. I’ve been warned not to do too much too fast. I have wanted to quit drinking, smoking, eating meat, caffeine, all of it- NOW at once!! But I’ve been trying to slow myself down. As not set myself up for failure and disappointment so I can find a reason to drink.
Truth is I can and always could find a reason to drink. Don’t have to look that hard.
I’m looking for harmony and balance in my life.
I distinctly remember an ex of mine saying to me once, “you are such a Hedonist”. He said it in a surprising and kind of accusatory, derogatory manner. I, at the time, thought it was funny and didn’t understand why it was a bad thing. Later that day I looked hedonism up in the dictionary because I wanted to make sure I knew what it meant. Why was it so bad? I was right. It meant that I was always looking for pleasure. I was quite happy about that and proud to be a hedonist! I thought always looking for pleasure was a good thing. What in the world could be wrong with always looking for pleasure?
What I have found interesting is that I am so much happier and feel more pleasure now in my life than I did then. I guess I am seeking pleasure in a different way. I have found more pleasure and satisfaction in having more self-discipline. I have more happiness and inner peace with less outward stimulation.
Ever since I’ve gotten sober I’ve had this incessant need to create. Create, create, create, express, give, show….everyday, all the time. I like it, but it is odd. I have complex feelings about it really. I feel the need to sew, draw, write, paint, build, all at the same time. Like there isn’t enough time to do it. I like the feeling but it feels uncomfortable to be proud, want to show it to people, give it away, want to sell it etc. When I was using I always wanted to do stuff like paint, draw, but I never did. I always talked about doing it but I didn't. I always thought I was more creative when I am drunk or using. And it was soooo the other way around. I am more creative 10-fold since getting sober. It feels amazing to be inspired.
Sometimes I looked around and saw people I wanted to be like, or more like anyway. Someone who was creative, caring, kind, compassionate and respectful to others, recycled, giving, considerate, lived simply and without regrets, traveled, content with their life- without wanting more, have a garden.....the list is at time endless. But the fact is they are all things I wanted to be like and I wasn’t. Not to my fullest. I was always living “a little” and not my best. Now I feel like I am. I am. I’m beginning to like who I am today. Today I like who I am.
I have come to want to be clean for myself. I want to be better to my body and self. I’ve been warned not to do too much too fast. I have wanted to quit drinking, smoking, eating meat, caffeine, all of it- NOW at once!! But I’ve been trying to slow myself down. As not set myself up for failure and disappointment so I can find a reason to drink.
Truth is I can and always could find a reason to drink. Don’t have to look that hard.
I’m looking for harmony and balance in my life.
I distinctly remember an ex of mine saying to me once, “you are such a Hedonist”. He said it in a surprising and kind of accusatory, derogatory manner. I, at the time, thought it was funny and didn’t understand why it was a bad thing. Later that day I looked hedonism up in the dictionary because I wanted to make sure I knew what it meant. Why was it so bad? I was right. It meant that I was always looking for pleasure. I was quite happy about that and proud to be a hedonist! I thought always looking for pleasure was a good thing. What in the world could be wrong with always looking for pleasure?
What I have found interesting is that I am so much happier and feel more pleasure now in my life than I did then. I guess I am seeking pleasure in a different way. I have found more pleasure and satisfaction in having more self-discipline. I have more happiness and inner peace with less outward stimulation.
Ever since I’ve gotten sober I’ve had this incessant need to create. Create, create, create, express, give, show….everyday, all the time. I like it, but it is odd. I have complex feelings about it really. I feel the need to sew, draw, write, paint, build, all at the same time. Like there isn’t enough time to do it. I like the feeling but it feels uncomfortable to be proud, want to show it to people, give it away, want to sell it etc. When I was using I always wanted to do stuff like paint, draw, but I never did. I always talked about doing it but I didn't. I always thought I was more creative when I am drunk or using. And it was soooo the other way around. I am more creative 10-fold since getting sober. It feels amazing to be inspired.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Where shall the journey start?
I have now been sober for 8 months and I'm not sure where to begin this blog.....
Do I begin where I am now, or do I begin with how I got to where I am? There is another part of me that doesn't want to talk about any of that and just talk about things I am doing now. My interests and my daily stuff/junk.
I think this blog will be a combination of many elements of my life. Sobriety, being buddhist, being gay, environmental issues, getting pregnant (again)....gosh, just everything. Maybe it will develop into something more specific but right now I will just leave it open.
There are so many things that are changing in my life right now. For starters:
Today was my last day at my office job.
My partner and I are planning on getting pregnant next month.
We are in the process of buying a house (bid was approved, waiting on closing).
I shaved my head (long story which I will get into later).
My partner and I got engaged on New Years Eve.
That is good for starters.....
Do I begin where I am now, or do I begin with how I got to where I am? There is another part of me that doesn't want to talk about any of that and just talk about things I am doing now. My interests and my daily stuff/junk.
I think this blog will be a combination of many elements of my life. Sobriety, being buddhist, being gay, environmental issues, getting pregnant (again)....gosh, just everything. Maybe it will develop into something more specific but right now I will just leave it open.
There are so many things that are changing in my life right now. For starters:
Today was my last day at my office job.
My partner and I are planning on getting pregnant next month.
We are in the process of buying a house (bid was approved, waiting on closing).
I shaved my head (long story which I will get into later).
My partner and I got engaged on New Years Eve.
That is good for starters.....
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Here is a glimpse of my life…
I have an amazing partner of 4 years whom I am raising my beautiful 4 ½ year old red-headed little girl with. I met my partner when my daughter was 3 months old at a softball tournament. My partner “Lindsay” was in the US Army for 8 years and has been in the National Guard for 11 years; so she has one year until retirement. I am happily pleased to say that she proposed to me on New Year's and I said yes. Yeahhhhh!
I am also a 31 year old lesbian with 2 college degrees (BA in Anthropology and Secondary Education) who cannot find a job. My community is, I’d say, middleclass. It seems as though 35% of the homes in my neighborhood are for sale because of GM shutdowns, or slowdowns. There are not many jobs, and the ones that are around are low-paying with no benefits. I am the post-Clinton, Bush-era college graduate.
I am also an alcoholic. About 9 months ago I got my 2nd DUI. My first DUI was 7 years ago, a month before graduating from college. In the past 5 or 10 years I have been in and out of recovery a couple times. But for the first time I have quit drinking for myself, not for anyone else. I have never felt so much optimism and hope for my life since I have stopped drinking.
My whole life seems to be a combination of the “typical” and “non-typical” or ironic…
I met my girlfriend at a softball tournament.
My first 2 concerts were Pink Floyd and Melissa Etheridge.
Both my parents were school teachers.
I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am a college graduate with no job.
I came out as a lesbian in 1995 while a senior in high school.
I had sex with a man, by choice, got pregnant accidentally, and became a single (lesbian) mother.
My girlfriend is in the military and I’m on welfare.
My life is not extremely controversial or over the top, but interesting and complex none the same. Not Oprah-dramatic or Springer-crazy, but more like MTV Real World after rehab and with a child.
I have an amazing partner of 4 years whom I am raising my beautiful 4 ½ year old red-headed little girl with. I met my partner when my daughter was 3 months old at a softball tournament. My partner “Lindsay” was in the US Army for 8 years and has been in the National Guard for 11 years; so she has one year until retirement. I am happily pleased to say that she proposed to me on New Year's and I said yes. Yeahhhhh!
I am also a 31 year old lesbian with 2 college degrees (BA in Anthropology and Secondary Education) who cannot find a job. My community is, I’d say, middleclass. It seems as though 35% of the homes in my neighborhood are for sale because of GM shutdowns, or slowdowns. There are not many jobs, and the ones that are around are low-paying with no benefits. I am the post-Clinton, Bush-era college graduate.
I am also an alcoholic. About 9 months ago I got my 2nd DUI. My first DUI was 7 years ago, a month before graduating from college. In the past 5 or 10 years I have been in and out of recovery a couple times. But for the first time I have quit drinking for myself, not for anyone else. I have never felt so much optimism and hope for my life since I have stopped drinking.
My whole life seems to be a combination of the “typical” and “non-typical” or ironic…
I met my girlfriend at a softball tournament.
My first 2 concerts were Pink Floyd and Melissa Etheridge.
Both my parents were school teachers.
I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am a college graduate with no job.
I came out as a lesbian in 1995 while a senior in high school.
I had sex with a man, by choice, got pregnant accidentally, and became a single (lesbian) mother.
My girlfriend is in the military and I’m on welfare.
My life is not extremely controversial or over the top, but interesting and complex none the same. Not Oprah-dramatic or Springer-crazy, but more like MTV Real World after rehab and with a child.
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