Buddhism and Recovery

I wish I could say that I was all about the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) program. I wish I could say that I go to meetings every day or week. I wish I could say that I was a "A" student and read the Big Book, called my sponsor, and do the 12 steps. I sooooo can't. I am definitely failing at recovery if I judged myself by AA standards but, thank god, I am not.

Don't get me wrong. I actually LOVE AA. It was crucial at the time I got sober. I couldn't have gotten sober if I hadn't gone to meetings and been active in AA at the beginning. Their support was crucial to stopping drinking. At the beginning I just wanted to stop drinking, and I didn't know how to stop.

I didn't know how to stop my brain from wanting to have a drink all the time. I wanted to stop the craving. My Brain thought about drinking all the time. I obsessed about it. Secretively of course. No one knew I was thinking about it. No one knew I was thinking about the next time I could drink, the next time I could go out to the bar, the next time I could find a baby sitter, the next time I could get to the store to get a pint. I put alcohol into my other beverages so people wouldn't know I was drinking. So I thought about what should I put the alcohol in, what would be the best drink so no one else would want a sip? Should I put it into a pop bottle, or a juice bottle, or my coffee?

I didn't want to do anything that didn't have a way to drink during it. For example I didn't want to go to a movie because no drinking, didn't want to eat at a cafe or restaurant that didn't have booze; not even Hooters because they only serve wine and that is bullcrap, not the good stuff. I hated shopping for many reasons- it took money away from drinking and took time away from drinking. Now, I could attempt to justify drinking doing almost anything. For example "normal drinkers" of course drink when they camp, fish, bowl, eat, watch a movie at home, watch any sports, play cards, make dinner, after dinner, after work, when their kids are being good or bad, to celebrate, to mourn, because they are happy, sad, mad......every or any occasion was a reason to have a drink and in most cases many drinks.

I wanted this to stop and after it being that way for so long I needed help retraining my brain. And trust me I needed as much help as I could get. AA helped. Really, really helped. I navigated my way to sobriety slowly.....